October 14, 2012
I’m at that place in my relationship where I am purposefully ignoring a text from my boyfriend.
We had a nice weekend. Not fantastic, just nice. D and I went to the best wedding ever, and then brunch this morning. We slow danced like we were in middle school. (This was mostly my fault- I was born without rhythm) But it was one of those nights where D was tired. Ok. I have grown enough in our relationship to let this go occasionally. I get it; I’m tired on a very consistent basis. But then this morning after brunch it wasn’t “I’m tired” it was football. So a kiss that led to nothing but him asking me “Talk to you tonight?”, then asking me once again as I stared at him without replying. Sure.
I am in a relationship as I never have been in before. We have our space, but love each other deeply. When we’re apart, we speak nightly on the phone, even if there’s not much to say. I told D yesterday about the fortune I pulled out of my fortune cookie one night while eating Chinese a month before we started dating. It said “Your dearest wish will come true.” I’ve carried under my cell phone cover ever since. I told him that my dearest wish was to be happy and that he has made me so.
But why am I so irritated? Is it just that I really wanted to have sex and he didn’t? Or is it the fact that I didn’t speak my mind to tell him that is what I wanted? Did I just feel jilted by the football? Or maybe I was insulted at all the preparation that went into going to this wedding, and that my new bra from Victoria’s Secret didn’t warrant a romp in the sack? Or maybe it’s all of that compounded with a bad day for other external reasons. Who knows?
So now he’s texting me a conversation opener, and I have good excuse not to reply as I am normally asleep. But I feel like I’m not responding in a vindictive way. And I don’t think that’s right. Like most men-or women, I’ll admit- he doesn’t know something is wrong unless I tell him. And he isn’t aware of how completely shitty I feel unless I tell him. I will ultimately feel worse tomorrow when I tell him how shitty I feel at this moment, because he’ll say I should’ve called.
Ok. After re-reading what I’ve just wrote, I texted him that I had a bad afternoon and I’m on my way to bed. Ugh.
August 13, 2012
I’ve been on the verge of tears all night. I’m having a really rough night at work. I just received a text from D at 3:30 in the morning. He wanted to say he hoped things were going better for me, and that he was leaving his phone on in case I need to call and talk.
I love him so much…
…were the first words that went through my head.
A few days ago D begrudgingly went to a bachelor party. It was a good friend of his, so he didn’t want to miss it, but he gave the distinct impression he’d rather spend the evening/night with me. Around 1:30 am I received a drunk dial from D who was outside the bar where the rest of the party was currently getting wasted. He sounded surprisingly sober after 9 or 10 drinks. We talked for a while, mostly about how the stripper wasn’t talented enough to work in an actual club, and how D was not super excited about their golf outing scheduled for the next morning. What follows is an approximation of how the rest of our conversation went, as I can’t remember the exact words. You’ll get the gist of it.
D “You know, I was just thinking tonight about how lucky I am.’
Me “How lucky you were to see such a subpar stripper tonight?”
D “Stop it. How lucky I am to be your boyfriend. And that I might even say that I love you. But I don’t think I’m ready to say it, but I will be someday.”
Me “Well, someday I might respond to that statement.”
D “Fair enough.”
Two nights later, and I’m having an extremely bad night. And D sends me the text. And I think I love him so much.
I guess I am ready to say it.
July 28, 2012
Here I go-I am going to attempt to write a short post on my phone. The lack of the ability to easily edit and re-edit my thoughts irritates me, but I’m just going to deal with it in order to share in a timely manner.
Last night I had a date with D. A night out as my parents were kind enough to babysit Little for me. Also, I’m starting my healthy lifestyle kick, so I wanted to have a few drinks before I swear off alcohol for two weeks.
D and I went to one of our favorite bars where we had a bite to eat and these disgusting blue martinis that were on special for $5. I say disgusting because I’m not used to such a strong drink. Even though neither of us cared for the martinis, we both sucked it up and finished them so as not to let them go to waste. We stopped at another bar where the long islands were on special and also tasted SO much better.
At this point we were feeling pretty good. It was a beautiful night, so we stopped at the park downtown to sit for a little while. There was a guy playing some old school, mellow Nirvana on his guitar. It was very romantic.
I brought up the subject of our Facebook relationship status. I said “You perplex me.” I went on to explain how I was shocked to have him out us publicly on Facebook so very soon after the conversation we had about being content in our relationship the way things were. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but the gist of it was that I had made him happy or comfortable with that conversation. Comfortable enough in our relationship to make it Facebook official.
As we were walking home he pulled a “I was going to say something, but I changed my mind”. I get very irritated when people do that-it’s one of my pretty peeves. Then I saved a kitty from getting hit by a car (the stupid thing stopped in the middle of the street to lick itself, despite the headlights bearing down on it) and I forgot about what D didn’t say.
But before I fell asleep that night I remembered that he’d held something back, so I asked him again. He said “I almost said the ‘L’ word, but I stopped myself.”
I said “Oh, ok.”
He said “Yeah. I was going to say I loathe you.” Sure.
We laughed and fell asleep. But I’m thinking he meant a different “L” word.
July 25, 2012
Sorry it’s been awhile. Life and romance are going really well for me right now, so I haven’t felt the need to vent via my blog.
A few weeks ago I saw my therapist. She said if she had a stamp, she’d stamp my forehead with her seal of approval. I left with instructions to text her in a month or so and let her know that I’m doing ok. No follow ups.
Then last week, I had some very real, very uncomfortable but also very good conversations with D. Sort of what I had been aiming to talk about, but had been too scared to. A “where are things going, or not going” conversation.
The gist of it is that D had been feeling pressure on the family front (aka his mom) as to where things were going with him and me. Also he expressed that he had a fear of not being what I needed him to be. He was worried I would want more someday, and he simply wouldn’t have it in him. He still isn’t ready to take a father figure role in Little’s life, but isn’t discounting it in the future.
I was so relieved he brought up the subject of “us”. In regards to where things were going, I told him I was very content with where things are, and I don’t need anything more from him right now. This is the first time I have been in a relationship where I haven’t wanted more from the other person. I’m just happy. I also brought up the point that we should limit the amount of time that he spends with Little until both of us are ready to be a permanent part of each other’s lives. I reiterated that I don’t want her to form an attachment with him, only to lose him. In the end, we were both reassured at our current status together.
A few days later… I wake up Sunday morning to a Facebook request to update my relationship status. That’s right. D made it official. Not more than 36 hours after we had our talk about how neither of us needs anything more from the other right now, and that we are content with the way things are, he outs us on Facebook. Not that our family and close friends didn’t know we were together, or anything. But when Facebook says you’re in a relationship, it says it big. Like a full ½ page on your timeline big.
I thought it was sweet. I asked D if his mom encouraged him to publicly declare our relationship. He said no, but he figured I was going to be around for a while, so what the hell. 🙂
And a few days after the Facebook life changing event, D shows up to visit me at work. This is kind of a big deal, as I work night shift, and am located about 60 miles away from where he lives. He brought me ice cream. I introduced him to my co-workers, we talked for a while, and then he headed out, leaving me in a confused state of happiness.
I am slightly incredulous as to how my weekend started with a conversation about commitment phobia, and ended with these thoughtful, sweet gestures. Incredulous, but incredibly happy.
As a result of my sickeningly happy love life, I may only write erratically and in spurts, but I’m not ready to let it go just yet. I am also contemplating starting a blog in my journey to be healthy and fit, mostly as a way to hold myself accountable… Stay tuned!
July 10, 2012
These feelings- they’re creeping up on me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder: What does this guy see in me? And I honestly don’t know the answer. You can’t blatantly ask the guy, because then you’re putting him on the spot, and he won’t be able to come up with anything to say. Plus it looks like you’re fishing for a compliment. I won’t ask.
So then I wonder some more. If I can’t figure out what he sees in me, I can’t figure out why he’s with me. If I can’t figure out why he’s with me, he probably can’t either, therefore may not be with me for long. And if he’s not going to be with me for long, I might as well end it so I don’t have to get hurt. Again.
The illogical musings of my girly mind!
I know that it’s nonsense, but it’s the type of nonsense that runs through my head sometimes. It induces panic. Part of the reason for panic is because I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is, and when I start to think of where it’s going I flip out at the uncertainty. Change is a part of life, but sometimes I wish that my life would become stagnant, and remain as it is. Because at this moment I am happy, and who knows what tomorrow may bring?
I would like to know what the future will hold for my relationship with D. I would like to talk to him about the future. But I won’t because that conversation will imply that I need something more and I don’t. I’m happy with him right now. I just feel a lack of control over my life if I don’t attempt to map it out.
My cousin asked me the other day if I loved D. My response was “I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it…” (which I just realized was D’s answer to an awkward question I had for him some time ago!)
“You haven’t thought about it?! How can you not have thought about it?!” was her response to me.
I haven’t thought about it. It scares me. If I love him it will hurt more when I lose him, so I don’t think about it. I do know that I have never been more open with another person. I feel safe when I am with him. I love his intelligence, his sarcasm and his ability to make me laugh when it’s completely inappropriate. I love his reactions to my crazy world and his amazing insightfulness. I love his compassion.
If he looked me in the eye tomorrow and said “I love you” what would my reaction be? “I love you too!” or “I love… cookies?”
Do I love him? I don’t know. But I think being happy is enough for right now. I think.
July 9, 2012
I want to start off by saying I had a really great time last week. I was off an extra day for the 4th of July. D stayed with me Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. Not once did he bring up the mortifyingly embarrassing email that I sent him, to my relief. I spent some time with his family, and both of our families went to the parade together. Thursday my parents, Little and I drove to where D lives and he met us after work for dinner. Friday night I spent the night at his place where he attempted to explain the game of football to a happily drunken me. Well, almost entirely happily drunken. We had just bought tickets to my first Cubs game for August when I had an unfortunate call that night that about ruined my perfect week.
While at D’s place I looked over and saw my phone ringing. “Oh” I said, as generally I only receive texts, and was surprised to have a call. Then a bigger “Oh”. Apparently it was the type of “oh” someone exclaims when they see a spider; because that’s what D thought had happened. It was my ex-father-in-law. I did not answer, and let it go to voicemail. Turns out it wasn’t my ex-father-in-law. It was my ex. My ex who has not made any sort of contact with me or my daughter since the beginning of February. In his defense [insert sarcasm] he was in jail for a few of those months.
The ex left a voicemail wanting to know if I would be taking Little to the fireworks that weekend, and if I wasn’t could he.
Seriously. You’ve got to be kidding. Really?????
A semi-hung-over me returned his call the next morning. Relief hit me as the answering machine picked up and I did not have to actually speak to him. I informed the ex that I would not be taking Little to the fireworks as she goes to bed at 7:30 and would not be awake for said fireworks. I went on to say that if he should be in town the next day he was welcome to stop and see Little at my parents.
Ok. Easy enough.
The next day I was waiting at my parents for them to return from a family picnic they had taken Little too. I was getting ready to head back into work, and wanted to see her before I left. The phone rings, and it’s the ex again. I suck it up and answer.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record with this guy. I believe that he thinks if he asks me the same question enough times either my answer will change, or I’ll say something different that he can turn into an argument. I don’t play that game with him anymore and just stick to my original answer verbatim. I did throw in, after he asked if I was just making an excuse so he couldn’t take her, that I didn’t know where he’d been or what he’d been doing for the last five months and obviously didn’t feel comfortable with him taking her. (We have a custody agreement. I have full legal custody. He has supervised visitation with either myself or my parents present.) I reiterate that he’s welcome to come and see Little when she gets back to my parents. He says ok and hangs up.
As I leave for work my mom is on the phone with my ex telling him they’re back and he can come over now. I hopped in my car and left.
I called my mom a few hours later. She said Little did very well with the ex. Little let him hold her for a short time, then proceeded to show him all of her toys. He asked my mom again if he could take her to the fireworks, and my mom repeated the reasons why he could not. He told her he didn’t care if Little fell asleep in his lap, that he would just like to hold her while asleep at the fireworks. My awesome mom went on to educate the ex, in a nice way, as to how it wasn’t about what he wanted, it was about Little. She told him that we are just thinking about what is good for her, and going to a fireworks show at 18 months old, 2 hours after her normal bedtime after a big day was not a good thing for her.
The ex went on to tell my mom how he was off all prescription medications, even the ones for anxiety. (he meant for this to be impressive, but being a bi-polar manic depressive person off all of prescription meds is not a good thing.) He said he would like to have non-supervised visitation and weekends with Little, but that he knows he’d have to go back to court for that. (Which he cannot afford as he does not work.) I would just love to see what the judge thought about a non-custodial parent who disappeared for 5 months after being arrested on drug charges and who is over 6 months behind on child support wanting more visitation.
I am very bitter about the whole situation. It is causing me anxiety. Partly because my ex is my daughter’s father and he needs to be in her life in some capacity. In a healthy capacity. I just don’t know that he will ever be capable of that.
I was also nervous about D. We have had these last 5 months blissfully ex free. Number one rule of dating is do not talk about your ex. I have always followed this rule, and only give what information is asked of me. D has asked a lot about the ex on different occasions, and for that reason knows our whole story. But the ex coming back into our lives is a whole different ballgame.
I bit the bullet and called D a little while ago from work. I had texted him that I was having a stressful night, and would like to talk to him about it, even though it would be an awkward phone conversation. Once on the phone, I informed him of the source of my stress, and would it be okay to fill him in? I didn’t want to involve him in ex-drama unless he was willing to be involved. I also don’t want to scare him away with all of this nonsense. He was more than willing to listen, and even offered words of encouragement. He was really sweet. His reactions to my crazy life continue to be a pleasant surprise. Plus just hearing his voice really helped.
On one level I hope the ex goes away for another 5 months. That would be best case scenario for me. On another level I don’t know what to hope for. I don’t look forward to the day when Little starts asking questions about her dad and he’s not there, or he’s randomly and occasionally there.
I guess my real hope is that one day I can create a family for her where she has an awesome father figure, who may not biologically be her dad, but cares about her as if he is.
July 1, 2012
I am working tonight and I forgot the power cord to my laptop. And my book. It will be a long night for me, which will give me plenty of time to attempt to write a post on my phone. I am a big editor, so this will be difficult. Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors you might find!
I am doing the opposite of what my therapist suggested in our last session. She did not want me to involve Little in my relationship until I was sure that D and I were both in it for the long run. She didn’t want Little to get attached to someone that she would possibly have to lose in the future. I agree with her, on one level, whole heartedly. However, Little is not quite to the point where she is forming attachments to people she sees infrequently, or occasionally. So I have been lax in this.
I want to mention too, as I’m sure some of you know, it is especially hard to date someone as a single parent-there’s only so much time in the day. As I spend more time with D, there’s going to be some exposure to Little.
D has been seeing Little about once a week. He has gotten out of work early enough that he has spent an hour or so with both of us before she goes to bed. I haven’t asked him to do this, and I’m not sure if he’s doing it for convenience sake (perhaps it’s the easiest time to come over after work) or if he comes over that early purposefully to spend time with her.
One night when he got there Little was in a mood. Full on stink-face angry at the world. Actually, mostly just angry at me. Her nap had been cut short that afternoon and she was simply unhappy. This was an opportunity for D to see her at her worst. He didn’t think her worst was so bad. An angry 18 month old can actually be kind of funny at times.
We also have plans for the upcoming 4th of July. D’s family and mine are going to the parade together, then Little and I are heading over to D’s parent’s for a barbeque. I am nervous as to how I will justify these visits to my therapist in our next session. Do I even need to? She will definitely ask me to. I guess D’s involvement with Little could be a slippery slope. It may be a non-issue now, but in a few months or even a few years it could be a serious issue.
I guess I know, logically, that I should just keep these two parts of my life separate for now if for no other reason than for Little’s sake. Emotionally, though, I don’t want to. I really don’t see it as a problem, yet, and I enjoy seeing Little and D interacting together.
Any thoughts? I could use some objective input. 🙂