February 29, 2012

Leap Year…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , at 7:50 pm by singlyoutrageous

It’s been a pretty lousy week for me. I have struggled some with my running. I got dumped. Work has been stressful, and actually as I’m typing is a bit of a hot mess.

On an even worse note, my cousin who is 20 weeks along in her pregnancy is in the hospital. Her water broke this morning. She’s not currently having contractions, which is good, but she only has about 25% of the amount of amniotic fluid left they would like to see, which is bad. She’ll go home on bed rest tomorrow. If she can keep this little one happy for another 3-4 weeks they will readmit her to the hospital and start some preemptive measures, like steroids for baby’s lungs. That is what we are hoping for. I stopped in to visit her on my way to work. She is trying to remain optimistic and cheerful, which is the norm for our family. Her boyfriend said a few times, in reference to leap year and today’s events, “This day never should have happened.” I agree.

February 28, 2012

An awkward break-up :(

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , at 12:35 am by singlyoutrageous

I texted R tonight to see if I could come over and talk about his off kilter behavior from last night. He said sure. So I went to his place, hoping to gain some clarity. I got much more than I bargained for.

After I get there, we sit on the couch, avoiding his room all together. This is the gist of our conversation- it’s still very fresh in my mind.

 

Me: “I just wondered if everything was okay. You seemed really distant last night. Is something wrong?”

R: “No, nothing’s wrong.”

Me: “So why were you acting like that last night?”

R: “I just don’t think that I’m being fair to you.”

Me: “I know where you stand, and I’m okay with it.”

R: “I just don’t think it’s fair to you when you want more than I can offer right now.”
Me: “I understand- but I thought about it a lot last week, and I actually decided to date other people. I already went on one…”

R: “Yeah, I kind of figured- yesterday afternoon?”
Me: “Yep.”

R: “Was he hot?”
Me: “I’ll tell you if you tell me.”

(Shakes his head)

Me: “I don’t know… he was nice. So, I still want to see you, and I’m okay with what you have to offer me right now. Unless you don’t want to see me anymore?”

R: “No, that’s not it. What about the sex?”

Me: “My head has been telling me one thing, but the rest of me wants something else.”

R: “I know, I’m getting hot just thinking about it.”

(At this point I’m thinking- okay, let’s move somewhere a little more comfortable)
R: “So how would you deal with it in the future if things didn’t work out between us?”

Me: “As long as it wasn’t a long, drawn out torturous break-up, it would suck. If you just said, I don’t think we should see each other anymore, I would be okay with it.”

(Throughout the conversation so far he’d been maintaining meaningful eye contact like he usually did when we were alone)

(At this point there was some silence, so I talked a little bit about my day, and he about his.)

Me: “Thanks for being cool.”

R: “I’m not cool at all.”

Me: “You kind of are, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.”

R: “Come here.”

(He wraps me tightly in his arms for at least a minute. Then lets me go, leans back and looks at me. I’m thinking this conversation is over and everything is okay now.)

Me: “Thanks for that.”

R: “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

(What? Am I getting punk’d? Is this his dry sense of humor? I’m not processing this.)

Me: “Sorry?”

R: “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not fair to you. I know what it’s like to like someone who can’t give you what you want. And I’ve been in open relationships before, and they don’t end well.”

(During the rest of our conversation he was brushing the hair back from my face, holding my hand, etc.…)

Me: “Wow, I was expecting like weeks, or months- tonight? Really?”

R: “Yes.”

Me: “I don’t get a say in this?”

R: “No.”

Me: “Is this because of the ‘no sex’ thing?”

R: “No.”

Me: “So… it’s not me it’s you?”

(Silence)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m just trying to understand.”
R: “I don’t have anything else to say.”
(More silence)

Me: “Okay. Walk me out?”

R: “Sure.”

He walks me out to the door. We stop and he gives me a lung crushing hug. I go out and get in my car. He stands in the doorway until I pull away. I start crying.

I proceed to my best friend’s house, where she provides Kleenex, Girl Scout cookies, Xanax and a sympathetic ear.

 

I am still in shock. I am still in disbelief. I don’t understand how this happens. I have two rough theories.

Theory #1- He really does care about me, and doesn’t want to see me hurt even more in the future if things didn’t work out.

Theory #2- His relationship(s) with girl(s) unknown have escalated to a more serious level, and the prospects are better with them than with me. Getting dumped makes you believe there is something wrong with you, even when you know there isn’t. Something to talk about in therapy next week, I suppose.

Either way I am completely heartbroken. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can’t obsess over what I should have or shouldn’t have done. However, in the future I will not become intimate with someone so quickly (5 dates isn’t that quick, but there were questions I should have asked before we were in that situation). I also will have to balance showing interest without appearing too relationship-hungry.

I just keep thinking back to all of the things R said to me in the past and cannot reconcile those words with his actions tonight. My only explanation for this is that he is not as genuine of a person that I had thought him to be.

 

So after going over what happened tonight with my friends, and writing it all out here, I’m feeling slightly better. I also feel better since I erased his number from my phone, his emails from my email account, and “un-favorited” his profile from the online dating site. This way I’ll never be tempted to contact him in the future. I do think he mentioned something tonight like “Maybe in the future…” So the ball is in his court and out of my mind.

I’ll stick with the online dating scene for a little longer. I have nothing to lose. I will also update my pictures (I’ve lost a lot of the “baby weight” since my profile pictures were taken) to give me a slightly better chance. For now, I’m off to a nice crying induced sleep fest.

Good night…

February 26, 2012

What shouldn’t have been an awkward date, but was.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , at 10:30 pm by singlyoutrageous

Best case scenario: I go over to R’s place. He tells me he just wants me to know that he is done dating other girls, and wants to date me exclusively. We have awesome sex.

Worst case scenario: I have the following conversation with R:

I thought I could step back. Continue to see each other but not have sex. But I like you too much for what you can offer me right now. Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am all that matters. You give me hope for the future. When we’re apart, I obsess. I think about you way too much. I feel neglected. I don’t like it. So I think we should stop seeing each other. You know where to find me if your circumstances change, but you also should know I won’t be waiting for you either. If it works out it does- if it doesn’t it doesn’t. Does that make sense?

Neither of the above scenarios occurred. I wish at least one had, but neither did. I am left in limbo again.

I just got home from a date with R. He picked me up and we went to dinner and a movie. No “hello” kiss. No caressing my shoulder or my leg in the car. Okay conversation at dinner with some banter about me getting drunk from too much margarita. No hand holding or cuddling at the theatre. In fact, when I leaned closer so our arms were touching, he worked himself a little further away soon after. Not a lot of conversation on the way home other than commenting on the high gas prices. He walked me to the door. He gave me a small kiss on the corner of my mouth and a very strong hug. When he pulled back I kissed him. I at least wanted him to know that much about how I feel. No future plans for going out. Nothing else happened.

In a previous post I stated that I did not deserve to be treated as R’s girlfriend if he couldn’t commit to me fully. Now that I have a taste of what it’s like to not be treated as his girlfriend, I hate it. I’m angry. I should have had the balls to tell him how I felt while we were driving home. At the very least I should have asked him how things were on the dating front.

Now I feel like this was our last date. I feel like he is too much of a gentleman to just drop my necklace off without taking me out one more time. I feel rejected. I feel miserable. I feel abandoned. I feel like I’m in high school again.

The one good thing about my horrible 13 year relationship with my ex is that I didn’t have to put myself through this mess that’s called dating. It’s all one big game and I obviously don’t know how to play. I’m not sure that I want to know either. Are there such things as mail-order husbands? Tell me where to find one, and I’m dropping the visa card on the counter.

I also even failed to mention I went on a lunch date with A. It was nice. Obviously if didn’t do much to take my mind off of R.

February 25, 2012

Help- please!

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , at 10:58 pm by singlyoutrageous

I just got the overwhelming desire to call R and tell him it’s okay if we have sex because I’m dating other people too. How does that even make sense? How did I become so needy? What I would like from a relationship with R is to see where things could go, and possibly have some real commitment. I don’t want casual sex. So why am I so tempted to call him and tell him that’s essentially what I want? Is my self-esteem that low, or am I just tired of not having completely awesome sex? My emotions are ruling over my head right now, and it’s not good.

I’m not calling him tonight, but somebody needs to knock some sense into me. Or give me some advice- I don’t have another appointment with my therapist for almost two weeks-please help!

Moving on?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , at 2:50 am by singlyoutrageous

Help! Someone put take my phone away from me! My fingers acted of their own accord. They texted R. “Hadn’t heard from you in a few days, hope you’re doing ok…”

Why did I do it? Now I’m sitting here at work, waiting for a response. This really sucks. Next time I am working, and tempted to text, I will give my phone to a co-worker and request that she put it under lock and key.

I did talk to my cousin, who ran into A when she was out earlier. My cousin is the one that set us up on our awkward first-double date a few months ago. She said that A is very excited for our date this weekend, and also had a small pity party for me when I told her how I haven’t heard from R for three days. I have two theories about R. The first one is that I am being crazy, and he really does care for me, and I’m reading too much into everything that has happened. The second theory is that he is an extremely duplicitous person. When I’m with him, I’m all that matters, and when I’m not I don’t. Matter that is. I’d like to think that the first theory is true, especially since I have been told that he is a genuine person by such a trusted source. Only time will tell I suppose.

 

Four hours later…

I just heard back from R. We had a short conversation. It ended with me stupidly asking if he had plans this weekend. I had hoped he’d ask me out and I could say I was busy. But he never responded- probably went to bed. Awkward.

 

So tonight I have some time on my hands at work. I think that I will research possible future destinations for my daughter and I to move to. I have been considering keeping my roots in my home town mainly because this is where my family is. My parents are my daycare, and they are cheap. Actually they are free. We have a great situation here right now. However, I’ve been thinking a lot since my divorce about moving on- not just with dating, but with life in general.

My biggest fears for moving away from my home are:

  • Losing the support that I have here from my family (due to distance)
  • Trusting others to care for my young daughter (As of right now, she doesn’t speak yet, so there is no way for her to verbalize if something is wrong while I’m away)
  • Creating new friendships (I’m very shy, and it can be difficult for me to meet new people)
  • Starting a new job (I really love my job, and don’t want to leave it)

 

There have to be some advantages to moving away too.

  • Becoming truly independent (I have never lived on my own before)
  • Creating new friendships (I know it’s on my previous list, but it’s also an advantage)
  • Having new experiences in general
  • Moving on with my life

 

That’s all I have right now.

 

 

 

February 24, 2012

Too much impulsivity and an awkward domain name…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , at 12:07 am by singlyoutrageous

It was a pretty good day. I persevered with my new running routine, and even ran in thirty-something degree weather in the rain. And there’s more- I asked another guy out.

The only bad part of my day is that I haven’t heard from R in a few days. This wouldn’t normally bother me, but R had built up certain expectations for himself by texting me on a daily basis for weeks at a time. So two days have gone by. I am a little disappointed, but handling it well.

To help me avoid thinking about R all night, I bit the bullet and texted A. I said that I knew he’d been busy at work, but wondered if he wanted to grab drinks or dinner sometime? He texted me back surprisingly quickly, saying he would love to and was I available this weekend? We have tentative plans for Sunday night. I am thrilled. Not sarcastically so, but actually so. I know now that second dates can be just as awkward as first ones, but I also know now that it gets better. I feel slightly more experienced having gone out with R so many times in the past month- and definitely more confident.

As my friends continue to remind me, it will do me good to see who else is out there. I have always had a bad habit of being impulsive when it comes to major life decisions, such as buying a home. I have purchased two homes, both of which were the first I looked at, and both of which I eventually regretted purchasing. Another life decision I am too impulsive about would be dating a guy. The first night I met my ex-husband (at seventeen years old) I told a friend “I’m going to marry him someday”. This decision I also eventually regretted. I need to continually remind myself there are other options out there, and not just jump into bed (figuratively or literally) with the first guy I meet. Dating others will hopefully help to break me of this impulsive cycle.

 

A few words about my domain name “https://misadventuresofmyakwarddatinglife.wordpress.com/” I know, I know, I misspelled “awkward”. It was around 3 am when I decided that I would like to create a blog to vent my feelings on my awkward dating life. Also, spell check does not work when you are typing many words together into one long word for a domain name. My first post was quite lengthy and also took a huge weight off my chest. It felt great to get everything out there, and off of my mind. I slept better that night. I realized the spelling error I made the next day and was disappointed in myself, but decided not to change it. The incorrect spelling demonstrated my frame of mind at the time of my blog’s inception, so it seemed fitting to leave it, so please don’t judge me based on my shoddy spelling. 🙂

February 23, 2012

What to do, what not to do, and playing the field…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , at 5:51 am by singlyoutrageous

I came to the decision tonight that I deserve better. As much as I like R, I deserve better than what he has to offer me right now, which is a relationship that is exclusive on my end, but not on his. I deserve a guy that is as committed to me as I am to him.

Here is what I don’t deserve…

I don’t deserve to be treated as your girlfriend, while the fact that we’re not exclusive is conveniently omitted from my knowledge.

Here are some other things I don’t deserve from you in our situation…

Do not open doors for me. Do not buy me chocolates and flowers. Do not caress my face, shoulders, hair or any other part of me in a casual way when you’re near me. Do not tell me how beautiful, sweet, awesome, kind, hot, etc. that I am. Do not hold me close in the middle of the night like I am the only one who matters to you. Do not make plans for us for the future. Just don’t. I do not deserve these things when there is another girl (or girls) in your life that you may or may not be treating the same way. So do not treat me like I am the only girl when I am not. You are only making me more attached to you in a slightly underhanded way, and that I do not deserve.

You see my predicament. So I am still going to give this thing with R a chance. But I am not going to get upset when a day passes where he doesn’t contact me. I am not going to get upset when he doesn’t make plans with me for the weekend. And I am definitely not going to wait around forever.

Here’s what I will do.

I will assign a statute of limitations to this situation and stick to it. I will continue to pursue online dating. I will also contact A, my first-first date from after I was divorced, to see if he’d like to get together sometime. I will tell R that I am going out if he texts me at the last minute to see if I want to do something. Hopefully he will care enough to ask what my plans are so that I can tell him, and make him insanely jealous. If he doesn’t ask, at least I will actually be going out and seeing what else this dating world has to offer.

I said before that I didn’t think it was fair to date anyone else right now. I didn’t think it would be fair to the person I went out with since my emotions are so tied up with R. But now I have decided that the person it wouldn’t be fair to is myself. There’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people so long as you’re upfront about it with said people. That’s my new philosophy and I’m sticking to it.

 

February 21, 2012

The awkward conversation is over!

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , at 5:05 pm by singlyoutrageous

R, I really like you a lot. I really enjoy spending time with you. But I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m sleeping with someone who is still dating other people. So I wondered what you think about that, and what expectations you have for whatever we might have?

This was my mantra on my way to R’s place last night. I did not want to stray from it, as it got all my points across nicely.

He had called, yes called- not texted, earlier that night. He was on his way to the gym and would be home between 6:30 and 7pm. I said that was great- I could put my daughter down at 7, and then head over. I called my cousin on the way and asked her opinion of what I was going to say. “It’s great”, she said “Very non-threatening”.

Once I got there we had a nice conversation while he grabbed something to eat- I had already eaten at home. Then we were going to watch a movie. We have yet to watch a movie together in all the times I’ve been over there. So after the movie started, and about half-way through my promised massage, I could sense things were moving in a bad direction for me. So I turned around and said, “R, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

I then repeated my mantra verbatim. I was very proud of myself. He interspersed with “I like you a lot too” and “so do I” (in regards to spending time with each other). When I was finished he said “I really want to see where this goes…” (I sensed a “but” coming). “But I’m not ready to stop dating other people”. “Okay” I said. “We can still hang out, right?” He asked. “Of course” I replied. He went on to explain that he’d only begun dating again in early December for the first time in about three years. That was his biggest reason for still seeing others.

We then proceeded to play the dangerous game of making out without going too far. But we had great conversations during this time. He said he had something to tell me, and he was only telling me because he really liked me. He went on to explain that, probably as the result of being an only child, he really values his space. I told him I understood, but also related to him that it was hard for me not to hear from him for three days, especially knowing as I do now, that he’s still dating others. He understood that as well. He also wanted me to know that I was his only valentine. He said that he bought chocolates and flowers for on one else, and wanted me to know that. We had some good communication going on.

R also went on to say he has no right to ask that I not date other guys, but that the thought of it drove him crazy. I told him as much as I would love to date others, if not just to make him jealous, that I wasn’t going to. He kept calling himself an asshole, and I kept agreeing with him. I also reminded him, that he had the power to change the situation whenever he felt like it. He would say “I wish things could be different” and I would say “Then make them different!”

I ended up staying most of the night. He’s a great cuddler.

So the awkward conversation has been had, and I feel better for it. Slightly disappointed, but better all the same. I am just going to be patient now, and see where things go. I will also remind myself that he truly does like me a lot, and have faith that he’ll figure everything else out soon.

February 20, 2012

An awkward ex…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , at 5:24 am by singlyoutrageous

I had an okay/great weekend. “Great” because I spent some quality time with my family, did 2.5 miles sprint intervals (better than my 2.2 miles on Friday) and even did some laundry. And “okay” because I didn’t hear from R until tonight. But first… a completely awkward phone conversation with my ex. It was mostly awkward because it occurred in the car with my daughter and both my parents.

On the way home from the grocery store yesterday I received a call from my ex. Expecting that he wanted to talk about our daughter, and trying to be respectful by having the conversation, I answered. He wanted to know, “why”.

One year after I left him, 5 months after I filed for divorce and 2 months after our divorce was final it’s back to this. We have had these conversations innumerable times, including up to the moment he signed the papers and even on the 20 minute drive home from the lawyer (yes, I had to drive him there). Once the divorce was finalized, he seemed to come to some sort of acceptance, and I began to treat our relationship as the professionals advised- as a business relationship. All that this meant is that I wouldn’t blow off his calls as I had sometimes when we were separated. I kept him up to date with our daughter’s development and health. I allowed him visitation when reasonable. Everything that is necessary for us to have a civil relationship with each other for the sake of our daughter.

But now we are back to the “why” conversation and how I need to make him understand “why” our situation is as it is. Thank god for my therapist, because I am able to handle this type of conversation with my ex now without getting sucked in. He is very smart, and can be very manipulative. I relate to him the facts and nothing else. When he asks me “Do you just want me to leave you alone?” (Meaning leave town) I say “I’m not going to tell you what to do”. When he asks me “What do you want me to change?” I reply “Nothing”. And when he’s back to “why” I simply tell him “I can’t tell you anything I haven’t told you before”. The conversation goes in circles, but I remain firm in what I say, even if I have to repeat it numerous times. Yesterday, as we were pulling in the driveway, I respectfully said “I need to let you go now so I can take S out of her car seat”. And that was that.

I believe what set him off after so long, is the fact that I’m dating again. I’m not sure how long he’s known, but he heard something through the grapevine. I had told him in the past I would let him know if I was dating anyone, and have every intention to if the person I am dating is around my daughter. But until I am that serious with someone, it is none of his business in my opinion. Back to tonight…

R texted me tonight. He did not make it out of town, but simply hung out around the house over the weekend. In my book this translates into he probably had a date with another girl. I think he had another date mostly because he gave no explanation for missing the event that was his excuse for not going out with me. He was excited for me when I told him I started running again. Somehow the conversation turned to my sore legs, and probably needing a massage. (I couldn’t help it; I really like him a lot) He asked me if I was busy tomorrow night.  I told him to text me when he gets off of work.

Before last week I would have thought- “Oh, how sweet. He likes me enough to want to see me on a night when he is working.” Now I am thinking, courtesy of a friend whom I related the conversation to, “What- I’m not good enough to see on the weekends?” So tomorrow, talk and massage only. Or talk and hopefully massage after I get through saying what I need to say. Either way, I think I will see his true colors tomorrow night. I can only hope they are to my liking. Stay tuned…

 

February 18, 2012

Awkward texts and my first awkward first date…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , at 9:34 am by singlyoutrageous

Awkward texts and the first awkward first date…

So I did it! I ran/walked 2.2 miles before work today. Short intervals of running are all I can handle right now, as it has been about two years since I ran. I am still anticipating the sure to be awkward conversation I need to have with R this weekend, which brings me to the subject of today’s post: awkward texts and my first awkward first date…

On Wednesday…

Me: Do you want to get together this weekend?

R: Sunday?

Me: Or Saturday?

R: (replied with an excuse for possibly being out of town on Saturday)

Me: So you think you’ll be going to that?

R: Probably.

Me: Okay, just let me know.

 

But I can’t let it go. Last night…

 

Me: So do you think you’re heading out of town this weekend?

R: Not sure.

Me: (a nonsense text a while later to try to encourage a conversation that did not take place. No reply, no goodnight- nothing)

 

So it sounds to me like I’m possibly being blown off. I shouldn’t have even asked last night, I should have left well enough alone. After these horribly awkward texts with R, I had a conversation with my cousin via text message. This is the cousin who set me up on my first date post-divorce.

A few months this cousin said conversationally one day “I know the perfect guy for you! His name is A and he is so nice. Let me know when you’re ready, and we’ll go on a double date!” I very non-characteristically replied “I’m ready!” We went on that date the following Friday night. My cousin and I met her boyfriend and A at a restaurant for dinner. It was just okay. The date was slightly awkward as my cousin and her boyfriend were trying to give us some privacy to get to know each other. This did not work out well as all four of us were sitting at a booth in a slightly noisy restaurant.  At the end of the date I thanked A, gave him a hug, and made my way home ecstatic that I made it through my very first date since high school unscathed. It wasn’t a great success, but it was no disaster either. I knew from here on out, first dates and dating in general would be much easier. I know this isn’t true now, all first dates are nerve wracking, but I felt that it was true then.

A called me three days later, but I missed it. I returned his call later that evening, but got his voicemail. We texted one night later in the week, but that was the last I heard from him. At this point, I had met R and wasn’t too concerned about not hearing back from A.

So back to the conversation I had with my cousin last night. I suggested that if things don’t pan out with R that maybe I give A a call. I asked her if he had been interested in me, but just too busy with work to call, and she said that was the case. She replied: “Yes!! Call A again! He was interested! He has been blowing off all his friends even because of work. He is just busy. Try him out. His is nice. Nice is good.” I reminded her that R was nice too; we just had some things to talk about.

 

So my plan for the weekend will be to spend some much needed time with my daughter, concentrate on training, and hopefully just relax with my family as well. If R texts me, so be it. If R asks me out I would love to be able to decline, but the future conversation we need to have is too important. And if the conversation goes poorly, which I sincerely hope it does not, I believe I will call A again. I just need to remember that there are always other options.

 

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