July 10, 2012

I love… cookies?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:52 am by singlyoutrageous

These feelings- they’re creeping up on me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder: What does this guy see in me?  And I honestly don’t know the answer. You can’t blatantly ask the guy, because then you’re putting him on the spot, and he won’t be able to come up with anything to say. Plus it looks like you’re fishing for a compliment. I won’t ask.

So then I wonder some more. If I can’t figure out what he sees in me, I can’t figure out why he’s with me. If I can’t figure out why he’s with me, he probably can’t either, therefore may not be with me for long. And if he’s not going to be with me for long, I might as well end it so I don’t have to get hurt. Again.

The illogical musings of my girly mind!

I know that it’s nonsense, but it’s the type of nonsense that runs through my head sometimes. It induces panic. Part of the reason for panic is because I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is, and when I start to think of where it’s going I flip out at the uncertainty. Change is a part of life, but sometimes I wish that my life would become stagnant, and remain as it is. Because at this moment I am happy, and who knows what tomorrow may bring?

I would like to know what the future will hold for my relationship with D. I would like to talk to him about the future. But I won’t because that conversation will imply that I need something more and I don’t. I’m happy with him right now. I just feel a lack of control over my life if I don’t attempt to map it out.

My cousin asked me the other day if I loved D. My response was “I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it…” (which I just realized was D’s answer to an awkward question I had for him some time ago!)

“You haven’t thought about it?! How can you not have thought about it?!” was her response to me.

I haven’t thought about it. It scares me. If I love him it will hurt more when I lose him, so I don’t think about it. I do know that I have never been more open with another person. I feel safe when I am with him. I love his intelligence, his sarcasm and his ability to make me laugh when it’s completely inappropriate. I love his reactions to my crazy world and his amazing insightfulness. I love his compassion.

If he looked me in the eye tomorrow and said “I love you” what would my reaction be? “I love you too!” or “I love… cookies?”

Do I love him? I don’t know. But I think being happy is enough for right now. I think.

May 22, 2012

Things are going good- slightly awkward, but good.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:27 pm by singlyoutrageous

Thursday night last week D came over straight from work. We loaded Little up in the car and went to a local park for a walk. I had been well prepared for a smooth departure. All necessary items bagged and ready to go. We just threw the stroller in the car and left. He made a funny comment about how it sure seems like a lot of work to do such a small thing. I thought that remark was amusing as it really went as well as an outing with a 16 month old can go. The walk was really pleasant. D was cute in that he was sort of awkward around Little- he was willing to help with her, but sort of unsure how to do so. 🙂

We went back to my place, and while I put Little to bed, D ran out and got us some dinner. We spent the rest of the evening chatting about things we enjoy and also watched Pet Semetary. I forgot how creepy that movie is. I was very happy with how the night went in general- I feel like D is testing the waters with what a life with us would be like. He’s being cautious, but open and willing as well. If that makes sense.

The next night Little stayed with her grandparents, and I drove over to D’s for a date. I asked him what he thought about coming over to my parents for dinner the next weekend. He agreed. Then he told me his mom wanted me to come to their house the day after, and bring the baby. So next weekend will be interesting. As we had this conversation, his mom texted asking if I wanted to go out to dinner with them the next day. I declined, knowing that I would be feeling pretty rough from the night we were about to have.

We had a few drinks at his place and chatted. Then we took a long walk to a local bar where we had a few more drinks. Maybe a few too many, but I hold my liquor well. While at the bar, I remember D very seriously expressing how he was impressed at how good I am with Little. I’m not sure what he had been expecting our interaction the night before to go, but it must have exceeded his expectations. I replied with the standard, I take it one day at a time, and do what I can. Sometimes that’s all you can do as a single mom- try your best.

Later, as we were walking home from the bar, he asked me about Little’s dad, and what kind of contact we have with him. I told D that I haven’t heard from Little’s dad since the end of February, and am okay with that. He was shocked to learn that he doesn’t even call to check up on her, let alone come and see her. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but sitting here sober I wonder if D was trying to figure out what kind of “ex” dynamic he may have to deal with in the future.

I feel like our previous conversation put things into motion. I think D went from not considering what a future with me and Little would be like, to trying to figure it out pretty quickly. I think we still need to be careful about the pace at which we move forward from here, but I am pleased with the way things are going.  🙂

May 16, 2012

Third, and final part, of an awkward conversation starter, and what to do now?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 12:01 am by singlyoutrageous

This is the third and final part of my interesting weekend. I wrote this Saturday night…

I just got back from dinner with D’s parents. I was very nervous, but for no reason. They are very nice people. They share D’s sense of humor, and put me at ease immediately. The first thing his mother asked me was “Where’s the baby?” I told her I wasn’t sure if I should have brought her (in reality I had no intention of bringing her because D didn’t ask me to) and she said “That’s okay, next time!” Maybe she isn’t aware that Little has not factored into our dating life yet. Interesting based on the previous night’s conversation. Very interesting.

D and I went for a long drive after dinner. There was no talk of our discussion from last night. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not, but he seems to be going in the direction of pretending it never happened. I’m okay with that- for today at least. We’ll see how things go over the next few weeks as he’s introduced to my actual way of life which now includes my daughter 100% of the time. It will be different, and we’ll just have to wait and see. One odd question that D posed while we were driving was he randomly asked me if I had enjoyed being pregnant- or if I was happy when I was pregnant. My answer was yes- for the first few months. But then my ex started using again and the rest of my pregnancy was stress and anxiety ridden and generally miserable. I am curious as to where that question came from… just curious.

I have also just come to the realization that I did not follow through as I promised my therapist I would. At our last session, she asked what my reaction would be if D wasn’t interested in being a part of mine and Little’s life eventually. I told her that if that were the case, I wouldn’t break up with him, but would tell him I that I feel we should see other people. She was proud of me. I was resolute. Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t entirely resolute when it came down to it. I let him get away with an ambivalent answer. An answer that should have led to- “I still want to see you, but I think I should see other people too.” I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to bring the subject up again so soon. Maybe he will actually think about it, and let me know. I don’t know.

And that is that. It is now late Tuesday night, and I will be seeing D Wednesday evening. Will keep you updated.