July 10, 2012

I love… cookies?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:52 am by singlyoutrageous

These feelings- they’re creeping up on me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder: What does this guy see in me?  And I honestly don’t know the answer. You can’t blatantly ask the guy, because then you’re putting him on the spot, and he won’t be able to come up with anything to say. Plus it looks like you’re fishing for a compliment. I won’t ask.

So then I wonder some more. If I can’t figure out what he sees in me, I can’t figure out why he’s with me. If I can’t figure out why he’s with me, he probably can’t either, therefore may not be with me for long. And if he’s not going to be with me for long, I might as well end it so I don’t have to get hurt. Again.

The illogical musings of my girly mind!

I know that it’s nonsense, but it’s the type of nonsense that runs through my head sometimes. It induces panic. Part of the reason for panic is because I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is, and when I start to think of where it’s going I flip out at the uncertainty. Change is a part of life, but sometimes I wish that my life would become stagnant, and remain as it is. Because at this moment I am happy, and who knows what tomorrow may bring?

I would like to know what the future will hold for my relationship with D. I would like to talk to him about the future. But I won’t because that conversation will imply that I need something more and I don’t. I’m happy with him right now. I just feel a lack of control over my life if I don’t attempt to map it out.

My cousin asked me the other day if I loved D. My response was “I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it…” (which I just realized was D’s answer to an awkward question I had for him some time ago!)

“You haven’t thought about it?! How can you not have thought about it?!” was her response to me.

I haven’t thought about it. It scares me. If I love him it will hurt more when I lose him, so I don’t think about it. I do know that I have never been more open with another person. I feel safe when I am with him. I love his intelligence, his sarcasm and his ability to make me laugh when it’s completely inappropriate. I love his reactions to my crazy world and his amazing insightfulness. I love his compassion.

If he looked me in the eye tomorrow and said “I love you” what would my reaction be? “I love you too!” or “I love… cookies?”

Do I love him? I don’t know. But I think being happy is enough for right now. I think.

April 4, 2012

Homework assignment: A comparison between two guys…

Posted in dating, Relationships, therapy tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 12:18 am by singlyoutrageous

Before I begin, I have been compiling a short list of what I like about D:

A few of the things I like about D…

He is intelligent, kind, funny, sarcastic, sexy, caring, non-judgmental, very open with his feelings, expresses interest in things I care about and wants to share things that he cares about with me.

In another post I blogged about where D stacks up on my list of qualities for a good relationship.  My other “homework” assignment from my therapist was to compare where my relationships with R and D fell in relation to each other, so I have compiled a timeline of sorts for said comparison. I have basically mapped out what the general gist of the date was, then if anything very significant occurred the same night.

Timeline comparison between R and D (going by number of dates, not number of weeks)

R

D

First Date Coffee Drinks- told me he only dates exclusively
Second Date Dinner/Drinks Coffee/Drinks
Third Date Lunch/Movie Lunch
Fourth Date His Place-make out Coffee/Drinks
Fifth Date Drinks/His Place (sex-kind of?) (4 weeks in) Drinks
Sixth Date Dinner Dinner/showed me where he works/Drinks
Seventh Date His Place-sex-found out we’re not dating exclusively Movie w/ my friends- make out- told me he canceled his match account
Eighth Date His Place-“No sex” conversation TBD (His place- maybe sex) (4 weeks in)
Ninth Date Awkward Dinner/Movie
Tenth Date His Place-Break-up

Some other notes of interest in comparing these two relationships:

  • Neither guy kissed me until the second date.
  • Went to R’s place on 4th date; haven’t gone to D’s place yet. (Will on 8th date)
  • First make session with R was on 4th date; first make out session with D was on 7th date.
  • First sexual intercourse with R was (technically) 5th date; hasn’t happened with D yet. (But it might on 8th date)
  • Dating exclusively conversation with R on 7th date; dating exclusively conversation with D on 1st date.
  • Knew more about D after 2nd date, then I ever knew about R the entire time we were dating.
  • D asks me out twice as much as R did.

In conclusion, I am obviously pleased with the way things have been going with D. He is a better guy all around, and is plainly interested in me (not me and who knows who else). Even though calendar-wise I’m falling at about the same point for becoming more physical in the relationship, time invested wise is nearly double that with D than R. When looking at each side of the table, I can also be proud that I have been taking things much more slowly with D than with R.

Homework complete- good night all!

March 16, 2012

A possibly awkward end to a nice date…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , at 9:43 pm by singlyoutrageous

I had my second date with D last night. It was fun. I was horribly nervous beforehand, as usual, but had a great time. We met for coffee, and then went for a drink after the coffee shop closed. Drinks- and mozzarella sticks, which have got to be one of the most awkward things you can eat on a date.

I mentioned to D tonight that I blog therapeutically. He asked about sites where you could create a blog if you were so inclined. I blanked out, and could only think of wordpress. My fear is that he’ll somehow be able to find this blog. I like the idea of writing my private thoughts for strangers to read and comment on, but not so much for those I know to read and comment on.

D said he felt bad about not walking me to my car on our first date. I chided him, saying “I know- how could you have even known I made it in my car safely?” but I also let him know it wasn’t the first time I didn’t get walked to my car. He mentioned he had another reason, but said “I’ll tell you later.” Odd, but I let it go.

I told D towards the beginning of this date that while I may not volunteer a lot of personal information, I would answer any question that he asked. He proceeded to ask a lot of good, probing questions about my relationship with my ex, and also asked if I felt I had completed the “healing process”. I told him an accurate, but abbreviated history, leaving out a few key points that I am not ready to reveal to him yet. I also told him that the beginning of the end of my relationship with my ex started about 3 years ago. He even asked if I was looking for something long term, and mentioned that he was if he met the right person. (Duh- isn’t that what we all want- to meet the right person?)

D was very open with sharing his past experiences with me, without any prompting. The item of interest to me that I am going to mention here is that he has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks to a few months. I informed him that as I have been accustomed to being in a relationship for many years, and I was told by my therapist to take things slowly. Hopefully admitting that will show him that I am not going to be one to rush into anything, which generally seems to be something that scares guys off.

Over drinks D asked if I had any hot dates coming up. I said no, and even told him about my internet dating fast. He said he hadn’t contacted anyone, but may have been contacted by others. No big deal. He asked me if I wanted to get together on Sunday before I go into work, and after he gets off of work.  I said sure. He also suggested we make future plans to watch a scary movie at his place, since I told him that I love scary movies, but can’t watch them alone.

As D walked me to my car I may have inadvertently insulted his car. He asked which was mine, and I pointed it out. He said “Next to that one?” I said “The one with the fin and racing stripes?” He said “Yeah- that’s my car”. Was that insulting? I hope not. Was it awkward? For me a little! He said he had a nice time, then hugged me and said “Now I’m going to get this out of the way.” And kissed me.  He then proceeded to enlighten me on the reason he didn’t walk me to my car on the first date. “It might’ve been too much pressure on a first date.” I appreciated that. I then told him he should kiss me again now that I wouldn’t be surprised, and he did. It was very nice. The kissing was a little awkward with the 11 inch height difference- him bending over and me standing on my tiptoes, but very nice all the same.

I really hope that things continue to go well. I do have my reservations about his commitment issues (he can call it what he likes, but the facts on his average length of  relationships stand) but I’m just going to relax and see where life takes me (or us).

 

March 9, 2012

An awkward therapy session..

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , at 11:59 pm by singlyoutrageous

I had a much needed appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I was a little scared to tell her about my past month, and how I did not follow her advice with R. She had suggested we talk about whether or not we were dating exclusively before we had sex. I did it the other way around. I was properly chastised by my therapist.

So after I gave her an abbreviated version of the last month’s events, we talked about my emotional age and jumping into things too quickly, R’s fear of commitment and my use of sex as a “high”.

I am aware, and have been told as well, that I have grown leaps and bounds in the past few years with everything I have been through and overcome. However, I am not done with my process of emotional maturation. When I began therapy a few years ago, emotionally my therapist felt I was still seventeen. This is the age I was when I met my ex-husband, and we were together for almost 13 years.  Since the beginning of my therapy I have emotionally “aged” to about twenty. So I have at least 10 years to go before my emotional age matches my physical age.

After explaining how I handled things with R, we discussed this emotional age and how it contributes to the way that I rush into relationships. I had no idea I was doing this. R and I dated for almost two months total. My perception was that 2 months is a pretty significant amount of time. My therapist corrected me, and said 2 months is like the blink of an eye. I felt like 5 dates was an appropriate amount of time to wait to have sex. She felt I rushed in to that as well, because there were still things R and I needed to talk about that we didn’t.

I also had a huge fear of intimacy when I started dating again. My ex-husband was the only one I actually ever slept with. So there was a fear of inexperience, a fear of rejection, not to mention serious body image issues and low self-esteem. The fact that R made me so comfortable in my own skin made it really easy to sleep with him. My therapist felt that I had sex with R because it felt good in the moment. It was a “high” for me. I had discussed that fact with her beforehand that I would talk to him about our relationship first, but instead I was an opportunist and took advantage of the situation to my own detriment. Just like any other high- it feels good at the moment, but there are serious consequences afterwards.

Looking back on past events now, I can see that things started to go downhill after we had sex. I became much more emotionally attached. I thought more seriously about what I wanted from the relationship. At that point we had only been dating for about 4 or 5 weeks. Apparently this pace was too fast for me.

I know that R’s last serious relationship was a heartbreaker for him. He waited about 3 years before he began dating again. Even though he gave the impression that he was ready for something more serious, he may have panicked once I pulled the “commitment” card. I didn’t necessarily ask him for a serious commitment, but made my intentions clear that commitment was what I was looking for in a relationship. That’s when I think he started to get nervous.  One can say “I want a serious relationship” all one wants, but saying it and acting on it are two different things. Apparently he was not ready to act on it.

So in the future I need to take things more slowly. Even if I feel I am moving at a snail’s pace. No running, jumping, hopping or skipping into anything. A nice slow walk is what I should shoot for- which, by the way is all I’ll be doing for a few weeks. I have induced a nice case of Pes Anserinus Bursitis with my left knee. Anti-inflammatories, ice and no running until it feels better, which may take a few weeks. So, I will unfortunately not be running my first 5K in April. I will be walking it instead. I am very frustrated about the situation!

One last thing- D texted me late last night. He said he hoped all was well, and was looking forward to “meeting” me on Saturday night. He seems sweet.

March 7, 2012

How to be upfront in a non-awkward way…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:55 am by singlyoutrageous

I was emailing back and forth tonight with the guy who I sort of maybe know from school- the one who contacted me on my favorite internet dating site. Let’s call him D.

D seems like a really nice guy (But don’t they all?) One of the taglines on his dating profile is that he is not looking for casual dating. (But don’t they all say that?) He asked me out for drinks or coffee at a time TBD. Hopefully this will occur after my appointment with my therapist, because I need some professional advice on how I screwed things up last time.

I know she will give me more of the same advice that she did with R (that I did not follow). At our (mine and potential date’s) age we are looking for something more serious than when we were teenagers. This justifies asking real questions about what really matters. Instead of asking “What toppings do you like on your pizza?” I need to ask “What are some of your life goals?”  Instead of asking “What’s your favorite color?” I should be asking “How do you feel about raising someone else’s child?” Instead of being scared of scaring a guy off, I need to ask “Are you dating anybody else right now?”

This will be difficult for me. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am seriously awkward on dates- first dates especially. If I don’t have a list to go over and rehearse beforehand, I will only ask him if he has any pets, not what he’s looking for in a relationship. So here goes the list making again. I will compile a list of questions before our date and then commit it to memory. This should allow me to be upfront without being entirely awkward, and also get some answers to questions that really matter to me.

 

March 5, 2012

A list to prevent awkward (unhealthy) relationships…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , at 8:22 pm by singlyoutrageous

I registered for my first official 5K race today! It is in four and a half weeks, so I will definitely have my work cut out for me. I haven’t written anything in a few days because there’s not been much going on in my life to write about. A small part of me is still holding out that R is going to realize he made a huge mistake and call me begging for another chance. The realistic part of me realizes this is not going to happen.

When I first started dating again my therapist talked to me about how to recognize a “healthy” relationship. Apparently I’m great with recognizing unhealthy relationships after my past experience, but not so good with the healthy ones. I was assigned the exercise of creating a list of the top 10 characteristics I would look for in my ideal guy. I also was to add in a few “deal-breakers”- things that I would not tolerate in a relationship. Whenever I meet a new guy, I am supposed to pull out my list and assess how said new guy measures up. This is the list I came up with about a month ago:

  1. Shows compassion towards me
  2. Has a sense of humor
  3. Is family oriented
  4. Is respectful of me and my opinions
  5. Trustworthy
  6. A good communicator
  7. Physical attraction
  8. Has an active lifestyle
  9. Shared interests
  10. Has a good work ethic

My “deal-breakers” were:

  1. Has to want children
  2. No smoking or recreational drugs

So that is what I came up with. It was roughly in order of importance, number one being the most important, and number ten the least. R seemed to hit every item on my list. I couldn’t believe it.

After our breakup, I decided that my number one item on my list needs to be changed to “Willing to commit”. If a guy isn’t hitting your most important item on the list, he probably isn’t right for you.

Again, I have never been able to identify a healthy relationship with a guy. My relationship with my ex reeked of co-dependency on my end. I was more like a mother to him than a partner. I have never been in a relationship where I didn’t have to fill those shoes. I am used to controlling everything and certainly taking responsibility for everything. I am used to taking care of, not being cared for. That was part of my relationship with R that made me uncomfortable at times and he knew it.

I felt uncertain how to act or respond at times with R. I was probably way more submissive than I am used to behaving simply as a default. I sincerely hope that this type of behavior didn’t play a factor in R dumping me. I think had we been together a little bit longer, and were able to get to know each other better; I would have been more assertive in our relationship. I never wanted to seem too pushy- but at the same time I worried that if I wasn’t he wouldn’t know how much I liked him-which I didn’t want him to know anyways. Does that even make sense? I hate the dating game. And I hate the fact R dumped me before we really got to know each other well. I feel that he robbed us of that opportunity and it hurts.

On a closing note, I discovered R is still on the dating website we both frequent. I had just managed to block his profile unknowingly before. I probably should block it again.

March 2, 2012

Reminders…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , at 4:54 am by singlyoutrageous

I’m having some trouble this last week with expunging R from my mind. I have effectively terminated all forms of communication with him on my end. This has helped. However, due to the fact that we had so much in common, everything seems to be reminding me of him. TV shows, music, cars, running, hair- and so many more random things. (I know- hair- he had nice hair)

So I am going to try and concentrate on some of the good things that resulted from our short-lived relationship and also from just dating again in general.

  • I am taking better care of myself physically. Why wash your hair on your day off if there’s no one to impress? Because it feels good, that’s why.
  • I have built confidence in conversing with the opposite sex. This is so important, as I am such an awkward person; I really needed the practice having conversations- especially with strangers.
  • Increase in my self-esteem overall. I have been exercising more, and eating better. Mostly for myself, but also to look good for potential partners.
  • I have been more open to experiences I would normally not be. Silly things, like playing video games with the guys, going out to a bar with R and his friends I did not know well, playing darts, drinking socially, etc. All of the sorts of things someone my age should be doing anyways, but my introverted-self had not.
  • Remembering that I’m a single woman- not just a mom. My daughter is the center of my universe. But I realize now it’s important for me to have some “me time” too. We are both better off when I do.
  • Sex. It may have only happened a few times, but it was incredibly awesome and much needed.
  • Writing.  This is an excellent creative outlet I would not have begun again if I hadn’t started dating again.
  • My first valentine. My first proper valentine at least. Flowers, chocolate, dinner and romance. I have now had at least one disgustingly commercial Valentine’s Day and I actually enjoyed myself.
  • Last but not least, how to enjoy kissing again. My ex and I did not kiss often, and never in a passionate way. R showed me that kissing can definitely be an enjoyable experience, especially if you really care about the other person.

So there were some good things that resulted in my first heartbreak in a while. It was definitely worth it in the end.

It’s just been a difficult week. I’ve been writing this post in a futile attempt to take my mind off of my poor cousin. My heart weeps for her and her family.