July 25, 2012

{happy}

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:37 am by singlyoutrageous

Sorry it’s been awhile. Life and romance are going really well for me right now, so I haven’t felt the need to vent via my blog.

A few weeks ago I saw my therapist. She said if she had a stamp, she’d stamp my forehead with her seal of approval. I left with instructions to text her in a month or so and let her know that I’m doing ok. No follow ups.

Wow.

Then last week, I had some very real, very uncomfortable but also very good conversations with D. Sort of what I had been aiming to talk about, but had been too scared to. A “where are things going, or not going” conversation.

The gist of it is that D had been feeling pressure on the family front (aka his mom) as to where things were going with him and me. Also he expressed that he had a fear of not being what I needed him to be. He was worried I would want more someday, and he simply wouldn’t have it in him. He still isn’t ready to take a father figure role in Little’s life, but isn’t discounting it in the future.

I was so relieved he brought up the subject of “us”. In regards to where things were going, I told him I was very content with where things are, and I don’t need anything more from him right now. This is the first time I have been in a relationship where I haven’t wanted more from the other person. I’m just happy. I also brought up the point that we should limit the amount of time that he spends with Little until both of us are ready to be a permanent part of each other’s lives.  I reiterated that I don’t want her to form an attachment with him, only to lose him. In the end, we were both reassured at our current status together.

A few days later… I wake up Sunday morning to a Facebook request to update my relationship status. That’s right. D made it official. Not more than 36 hours after we had our talk about how neither of us needs anything more from the other right now, and that we are content with the way things are, he outs us on Facebook. Not that our family and close friends didn’t know we were together, or anything. But when Facebook says you’re in a relationship, it says it big. Like a full ½ page on your timeline big.

I thought it was sweet. I asked D if his mom encouraged him to publicly declare our relationship. He said no, but he figured I was going to be around for a while, so what the hell. 🙂

And a few days after the Facebook life changing event, D shows up to visit me at work. This is kind of a big deal, as I work night shift, and am located about 60 miles away from where he lives. He brought me ice cream. I introduced him to my co-workers, we talked for a while, and then he headed out, leaving me in a confused state of happiness.

I am slightly incredulous as to how my weekend started with a conversation about commitment phobia, and ended with these thoughtful, sweet gestures. Incredulous, but incredibly happy.

As a result of my sickeningly happy love life, I may only write erratically and in spurts, but I’m not ready to let it go just yet. I am also contemplating starting a blog in my journey to be healthy and fit, mostly as a way to hold myself accountable… Stay tuned!

June 25, 2012

Paranoia! (and an awkward question…)

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , at 9:56 pm by singlyoutrageous

I’m getting a little paranoid. I had 21 views on my blog the other day, all from the US. You may be thinking, “What’s the big deal?” Well, I don’t write this blog to be famous; I didn’t really think anyone would ever bother reading it. I’m okay with that; it’s mostly just a great way to vent my feelings and thoughts so that I may remain sane. Some days I may have only 1 or 2 views, some days none at all. This is partly because I went from writing daily when I first began blogging to weekly now.

When I click on my stats and see 21 views from a day where I did not write a new post I get suspicious. The most likely scenario is that someone happened to read a post, was interested and perused the archives. Not normally a big deal except…

Last Friday night I was out with D. He was Googling something on his phone while I watched over his shoulder. As he started to type, my full name followed by the word “blog” came up under his recent searches.

“You searched for my blog!?” I asked indignantly. “Yeah” he replied sheepishly. “But I didn’t find it.”

A few days and 21 views later, I am slightly paranoid. So here’s a message to D:

If you are reading this, know that I write this blog with the best of intentions. I try to leave out what is most personal, private and/or embarrassing (like the fact that you saw the Titanic in theaters 3 times as a fifteen year old boy when it was originally released- sorry!), and only relay what is therapeutic for me. If you ever take issue with the fact that among other things, I primarily write about our relationship, know that I am willing to stop blogging about us and will choose another subject.

I really don’t think he’ll find my blog though. I tried searching for it myself, as if I only knew my name, and not the name of the blog. I came up with nothing. *sigh of relief*

For those bloggers out there that do not blog anonymously- good for you! I truly admire your bravery. I wish I could do so, but am too scared!

 

Back to our date…

That same night we broached a topic of conversation that was completely awkward for me. We’ve been together for… wow- four months now, and D finally asked me point blank what my income was. This was awkward for me, because I had made the assumption, as did he, that I make more money than him. I have no issue with that. It doesn’t bother me at all. But I am a woman, and he is a man, and I know some men would take issue with the fact that their girlfriend or wife makes more money than them. I don’t know how he feels about it. I think that some men feel that they need to be the primary bread winners, and that probably includes making the most money in a relationship.

To throw specific numbers out there is something I have been avoiding. D happened to catch me after my second long island though, so I was forthcoming. It was uncomfortable, but now it’s out there. He did say that he figured I made more than him, and pretty much left it at that.

I make more money than him. I work less hours. I have less job related stress. This makes me feel slightly guilty.

I’m sure I’ll get over it.

May 14, 2012

An awkward conversation starter- that didn’t happen. Part 1.

Posted in blogging, dating, Relationships, therapy tagged , , , , , , , at 12:55 am by singlyoutrageous

Tonight I am posting the first of three entries that I wrote over last weekend. I do not have internet access at my new apartment, so had to wait until I could use Wi-Fi at work (shhh!) to upload. This particular post was written last Thursday night after I had drank quite a bit of wine- my apologies…

I had a therapy session today. In response to my last post, some of my awesome followers  had some pretty harsh, but realistic replies. My therapist was better able to interpret the situation then I was able to express it on my blog. Essentially, it wasn’t the fact that D didn’t want to finish the movie we were watching; it was the fact that he handled the matter inconsiderately. My therapist feels that he is the type of person who is very much “inside himself” and doesn’t always think of others in a given situation. Essentially, she had an issue with how he handled the situation.

My therapist also feels that there are many different “red flags” about D that I should be paying attention to. One of these “red flags” by itself may not be so bad, but all put together may equal a bad relationship. Such as: his inability in the past to have a long term relationship, his issues with anxiety, his issues with drinking to possibly handle anxiety, the fact that he is “inside himself” (not sure how else to explain this? Other than maybe that he’s been on his own for so long he’s not accustomed to taking other peoples feeling into account? That he is very much an introvert?) All of these characteristics in their entirety do not bode well for me. I, on the other hand, have a history of being too caring, kind, selfless, etc., to where I see a deficit in a partner and say “Oh, I can handle that for me and for him”. Then I compromise. That is my history. My therapist doesn’t want me to remain in that pattern.

My homework was to talk to D about Little. I have felt in the past like, he’s dating me, he knows I have a daughter, so he must  be okay with the fact that if he wants a future with me he will have a future with her. But that’s me making assumptions, as I’m oh so good at doing. So my assignment was to say in so many words: “There’s the life you and I have, and there’s the life Little and I have. They are two very different lives. At some point in the future, if we have a relationship together, these lives are going to intersect. I was curious as to what your perception of that was.” Those are my therapists’ words. Essentially it’s “Dude, if we have something going here, are you prepared to be a part of Little’s life, like a father?” Because he has said in the past he’s not ready to be a father. Whether or not he was talking about new babies, or existing babies, I don’t know.

I steeled myself for the conversation tonight. I was even prepared for his response, whatever it would be. If he had no idea, or couldn’t consider the idea of being a father to Little at some point in the future, I was prepared to take things back a step. Still date him, but also open myself up to other possibilities. Because there would be no reason to see someone exclusively who did not want to be a part of both of our lives. If he had thought about it, or was absolutely willing to take on that role eventually- good. Let’s keep going.

D arrived at my apartment. We had a drink and start to chat.  He says, “So I’m having dinner with my parents on Saturday,” (as he always does) “and wondered if you would like to come?” Huh? What? Really? This guy with commitment issues wants to introduce me to his parents? Wow. I gave him a tentative affirmative answer, pending cancellation of plans I had previously made with my parents.

That question blew me out of the water. I wasn’t going to get into deep relationship stuff with him after that. That in itself was kind of a big step. Geez.

We had a nice, naked conversation later about drinking as well. It is the norm for us to have a couple of drinks, or more, when together. Collaboratively we made the decision this is not necessary. I told him one thing my therapist was concerned about was the fact that I was drinking so much now, when I rarely if ever drank before. It will be interesting to see how we interact on a regular basis while sober.

So that’s where I’m at. I am slightly inebriated, extremely tired, and ready to go to bed. Thank you for listening.

April 23, 2012

Did I really just ask him that?

Posted in dating, Relationships, running tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 3:07 am by singlyoutrageous

How do you ask someone an objective or hypothetical question as an actual objective or hypothetical question, and not as a question that leads to a conversation related to yourself? I have a friend who asked her guy friend if she was dateable. She did not want to date him, but truly valued his opinion and was interested to know it. So he leads with “Well, I wouldn’t date you, but here’s why…” She got his opinion, but in a way that was insulting to her.

So I get the bright idea to ask D if he’s ever been in love. It is a subject I was purely curious about, because he has not been in any serious, long-term committed relationships. To my detriment, I asked him while we were drunk, and probably didn’t get my point across properly.

I led with “I have a question to ask you, but don’t want you to think it has in any way to do with us, it’s just something I’m curious about.” Or so I think- like I said, I was drunk, so this is just a slightly inaccurate reenactment of how the actual conversation went. D’s answer was essentially “no”. I don’t remember if he said “no” before or after he said something like “Well, when it comes to you and me…” What a mess. I also don’t remember if I asked the initial question before or after we stared intensely into each other’s eyes while listening to Boyz II Men. No, I am not joking! It was very romantic. Anyways, I don’t remember the context in which I asked the question but it was obviously taken in the way I didn’t want it to be taken. I followed up with a hasty, “Well I have loved people, but have never been in love with someone,” and “I also feel there’s a difference between love and infatuation.” He ended the conversation on a good note, saying he appreciated that we could discuss such subjects in an analytical manner. Hmm. Whether or not he believed me when I said I didn’t want to know if he loved me, I don’t know.

I am currently training for my second 5K that is happening this Saturday, so there will be no drinking for me this week. This means no drunken conversation starters that sound like  good ideas in my head, but then not so much when they come out of my mouth. We’ll see if I’m any less awkward when sober. I have a feeling that won’t be the case. 😉