October 14, 2012

In the muck of it all.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 9:25 pm by singlyoutrageous

I’m at that place in my relationship where I am purposefully ignoring a text from my boyfriend.

We had a nice weekend. Not fantastic, just nice. D and I went to the best wedding ever, and then brunch this morning. We slow danced like we were in middle school. (This was mostly my fault- I was born without rhythm) But it was one of those nights where D was tired. Ok. I have grown enough in our relationship to let this go occasionally. I get it; I’m tired on a very consistent basis. But then this morning after brunch it wasn’t “I’m tired” it was football. So a kiss that led to nothing but him asking me “Talk to you tonight?”, then asking me once again as I stared at him without replying. Sure.

I am in a relationship as I never have been in before. We have our space, but love each other deeply. When we’re apart, we speak nightly on the phone, even if there’s not much to say. I told D yesterday about the fortune I pulled out of my fortune cookie one night while eating Chinese a month before we started dating. It said “Your dearest wish will come true.” I’ve carried under my cell phone cover ever since. I told him that my dearest wish was to be happy and that he has made me so.

But why am I so irritated? Is it just that I really wanted to have sex and he didn’t? Or is it the fact that I didn’t speak my mind to tell him that is what I wanted? Did I just feel jilted by the football? Or maybe I was insulted at all the preparation that went into going to this wedding, and that my new bra from Victoria’s Secret didn’t warrant a romp in the sack?  Or maybe it’s all of that compounded with a bad day for other external reasons. Who knows?

So now he’s texting me a conversation opener, and I have good excuse not to reply as I am normally asleep. But I feel like I’m not responding in a vindictive way. And I don’t think that’s right. Like most men-or women, I’ll admit- he doesn’t know something is wrong unless I tell him. And he isn’t aware of how completely shitty I feel unless I tell him. I will ultimately feel worse tomorrow when I tell him how shitty I feel at this moment, because he’ll say I should’ve called.

Ok. After re-reading what I’ve just wrote, I texted him that I had a bad afternoon and I’m on my way to bed. Ugh.

August 27, 2012

surprise!

Posted in dating, love tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 11:59 pm by singlyoutrageous

Last Friday was very stressful for me. Little woke up with a fever after having been at daycare earlier in the week with a kiddo that tested positive for strep. My poor 9 ½ year old puppy also had a fever, and a pretty bad infection. I spent my day traveling between the vet and the pediatrician. On top of the stress of two sick ones at home, D and I had plans to leave for Chicago that night and to go to my first Cubs game on Saturday. My mother reassured me that Little and the pup would be okay with them, and to continue with my plans.

D picked me up at my parents, where I left Little with my aunt and uncle who had come to visit. My parents had gone to pick up a pizza, and would be back soon. I got into D’s car and sighed with relief that I would soon be sitting on my sister’s deck in Chicago drinking a glass of wine and relaxing after an overwhelming day. We had one last stop to grab a quick dinner with D’s parents on the way out of town.

As we are walking up to the door of the restaurant I notice that a car similar to my grandparent’s car was in the parking lot, and said “Oh, maybe my Grandma is here…”

We walk in and I was shocked. I was floored. I was- yep, you guessed it- surprised. A dozen of my close family members and friends were there. My birthday wasn’t for another week, but since I had plans to be out of town my family conspired to throw me a surprise party. I immediately teared up as I hugged my grandma, telling her I did indeed see her car outside, but yes I was very surprised. About three weeks earlier my cousin had texted D and my sister to plan the party. A lot of lying and deceiving me followed, and they succeeded immensely. D even remembered my favorite kind of cake, and had one ordered from the local bakery. We ate dinner and cake and I opened presents. It was an overwhelming end to an overwhelming day, but in a good way.

D and I decided to drive into Chicago the next morning, as my sister had just gotten into town for the party. We went back to my place after a quick stop to purchase a bottle of wine with the money my grandma gave me for my birthday (Thanks, Grandma!)

Later, as we were laying there falling asleep I finally mustered the courage to tell D I loved him. He returned the sentiment.

Even though the Cubs lost the game the next day, it was still my best birthday yet.

July 10, 2012

I love… cookies?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 12:52 am by singlyoutrageous

These feelings- they’re creeping up on me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder: What does this guy see in me?  And I honestly don’t know the answer. You can’t blatantly ask the guy, because then you’re putting him on the spot, and he won’t be able to come up with anything to say. Plus it looks like you’re fishing for a compliment. I won’t ask.

So then I wonder some more. If I can’t figure out what he sees in me, I can’t figure out why he’s with me. If I can’t figure out why he’s with me, he probably can’t either, therefore may not be with me for long. And if he’s not going to be with me for long, I might as well end it so I don’t have to get hurt. Again.

The illogical musings of my girly mind!

I know that it’s nonsense, but it’s the type of nonsense that runs through my head sometimes. It induces panic. Part of the reason for panic is because I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is, and when I start to think of where it’s going I flip out at the uncertainty. Change is a part of life, but sometimes I wish that my life would become stagnant, and remain as it is. Because at this moment I am happy, and who knows what tomorrow may bring?

I would like to know what the future will hold for my relationship with D. I would like to talk to him about the future. But I won’t because that conversation will imply that I need something more and I don’t. I’m happy with him right now. I just feel a lack of control over my life if I don’t attempt to map it out.

My cousin asked me the other day if I loved D. My response was “I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it…” (which I just realized was D’s answer to an awkward question I had for him some time ago!)

“You haven’t thought about it?! How can you not have thought about it?!” was her response to me.

I haven’t thought about it. It scares me. If I love him it will hurt more when I lose him, so I don’t think about it. I do know that I have never been more open with another person. I feel safe when I am with him. I love his intelligence, his sarcasm and his ability to make me laugh when it’s completely inappropriate. I love his reactions to my crazy world and his amazing insightfulness. I love his compassion.

If he looked me in the eye tomorrow and said “I love you” what would my reaction be? “I love you too!” or “I love… cookies?”

Do I love him? I don’t know. But I think being happy is enough for right now. I think.

July 9, 2012

Stressful (and awkward) ex drama…

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:07 am by singlyoutrageous

I want to start off by saying I had a really great time last week. I was off an extra day for the 4th of July. D stayed with me Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. Not once did he bring up the mortifyingly embarrassing email that I sent him, to my relief. I spent some time with his family, and both of our families went to the parade together. Thursday my parents, Little and I drove to where D lives and he met us after work for dinner. Friday night I spent the night at his place where he attempted to explain the game of football to a happily drunken me. Well, almost entirely happily drunken. We had just bought tickets to my first Cubs game for August when I had an unfortunate call that night that about ruined my perfect week.

While at D’s place I looked over and saw my phone ringing. “Oh” I said, as generally I only receive texts, and was surprised to have a call. Then a bigger “Oh”. Apparently it was the type of “oh” someone exclaims when they see a spider; because that’s what D thought had happened. It was my ex-father-in-law. I did not answer, and let it go to voicemail. Turns out it wasn’t my ex-father-in-law. It was my ex. My ex who has not made any sort of contact with me or my daughter since the beginning of February. In his defense [insert sarcasm] he was in jail for a few of those months.

The ex left a voicemail wanting to know if I would be taking Little to the fireworks that weekend, and if I wasn’t could he.

Seriously. You’ve got to be kidding. Really?????

A semi-hung-over me returned his call the next morning. Relief hit me as the answering machine picked up and I did not have to actually speak to him. I informed the ex that I would not be taking Little to the fireworks as she goes to bed at 7:30 and would not be awake for said fireworks. I went on to say that if he should be in town the next day he was welcome to stop and see Little at my parents.

Ok. Easy enough.

The next day I was waiting at my parents for them to return from a family picnic they had taken Little too. I was getting ready to head back into work, and wanted to see her before I left. The phone rings, and it’s the ex again. I suck it up and answer.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record with this guy. I believe that he thinks if he asks me the same question enough times either my answer will change, or I’ll say something different that he can turn into an argument. I don’t play that game with him anymore and just stick to my original answer verbatim. I did throw in, after he asked if I was just making an excuse so he couldn’t take her, that I didn’t know where he’d been or what he’d been doing for the last five months and obviously didn’t feel comfortable with him taking her. (We have a custody agreement. I have full legal custody. He has supervised visitation with either myself or my parents present.) I reiterate that he’s welcome to come and see Little when she gets back to my parents. He says ok and hangs up.

As I leave for work my mom is on the phone with my ex telling him they’re back and he can come over now. I hopped in my car and left.

I called my mom a few hours later. She said Little did very well with the ex. Little let him hold her for a short time, then proceeded to show him all of her toys. He asked my mom again if he could take her to the fireworks, and my mom repeated the reasons why he could not. He told her he didn’t care if Little fell asleep in his lap, that he would just like to hold her while asleep at the fireworks. My awesome mom went on to educate the ex, in a nice way, as to how it wasn’t about what he wanted, it was about Little. She told him that we are just thinking about what is good for her, and going to a fireworks show at 18 months old, 2 hours after her normal bedtime after a big day was not a good thing for her.

The ex went on to tell my mom how he was off all prescription medications, even the ones for anxiety. (he meant for this to be impressive, but being a bi-polar manic depressive person off all of prescription meds is not a good thing.) He said he would like to have non-supervised visitation and weekends with Little, but that he knows he’d have to go back to court for that. (Which he cannot afford as he does not work.) I would just love to see what the judge thought about a non-custodial parent who disappeared for 5 months after being arrested on drug charges and who is over 6 months behind on child support wanting more visitation.

I am very bitter about the whole situation. It is causing me anxiety. Partly because my ex is my daughter’s father and he needs to be in her life in some capacity. In a healthy capacity. I just don’t know that he will ever be capable of that.

I was also nervous about D. We have had these last 5 months blissfully ex free. Number one rule of dating is do not talk about your ex. I have always followed this rule, and only give what information is asked of me. D has asked a lot about the ex on different occasions, and for that reason knows our whole story. But the ex coming back into our lives is a whole different ballgame.

I bit the bullet and called D a little while ago from work. I had texted him that I was having a stressful night, and would like to talk to him about it, even though it would be an awkward phone conversation. Once on the phone, I informed him of the source of my stress, and would it be okay to fill him in? I didn’t want to involve him in ex-drama unless he was willing to be involved. I also don’t want to scare him away with all of this nonsense. He was more than willing to listen, and even offered words of encouragement. He was really sweet. His reactions to my crazy life continue to be a pleasant surprise. Plus just hearing his voice really helped.

On one level I hope the ex goes away for another 5 months. That would be best case scenario for me. On another level I don’t know what to hope for. I don’t look forward to the day when Little starts asking questions about her dad and he’s not there, or he’s randomly and occasionally there.

I guess my real hope is that one day I can create a family for her where she has an awesome father figure, who may not biologically be her dad, but cares about her as if he is.

July 3, 2012

most. awkward. email. ever.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 1:20 am by singlyoutrageous

As I relayed in my most awkward post yet back in April I have some issues with sex. D and I have had some conversations about this, but I find it extremely difficult to talk about. Since I was having so much trouble articulating my feelings on the subject, I did what I always do when I am struggling with something on my mind- I wrote about it.

I wrote about my sexual hang-ups in a very analytical way so as to see if there were also some possible solutions. I wrote about my low self-esteem, poor body image, lack of experience due to where my life led me and more. After I re-read what I wrote, I realized I have some fairly serious issues. Not only did I write about my issues, in embarrassing detail, I then emailed said writing to D.

What!?!

Most awkward email ever.

I had copied my text into an email, taken a deep breath and hit “send”. I have no idea what came over me. This was way personal stuff. Like digging deep on the therapy couch stuff. Some of which I had just realized about myself while writing it. And I sent it. To him.

I had sent him a warning text so that he knew what to expect. After reading this mortifying information about myself, he sent me a text back. His response was:

“I feel honored that you shared your deepest feelings with me. Thank you. I’m not sure if I can respond any other way than to say I appreciate the courage it took to send that to me.”

*sigh of relief*

I replied that the only response I was worried about was scaring him away. He said he’s not going anywhere.

I feel better now that he knows where I’m coming from.  I just hope things aren’t off the next time I see him. I’m not sure what to expect.

July 1, 2012

Single mom awkwardness strikes again.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , at 10:22 pm by singlyoutrageous

I am working tonight and I forgot the power cord to my laptop. And my book. It will be a long night for me, which will give me plenty of time to attempt to write a post on my phone. I am a big editor, so this will be difficult. Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors you might find!

I am doing the opposite of what my therapist suggested in our last session. She did not want me to involve Little in my relationship until I was sure that D and I were both in it for the long run. She didn’t want Little to get attached to someone that she would possibly have to lose in the future. I agree with her, on one level, whole heartedly. However, Little is not quite to the point where she is forming attachments to people she sees infrequently, or occasionally. So I have been lax in this.

I want to mention too, as I’m sure some of you know, it is especially hard to date someone as a single parent-there’s only so much time in the day. As I spend more time with D, there’s going to be some exposure to Little.

D has been seeing Little about once a week. He has gotten out of work early enough that he has spent an hour or so with both of us before she goes to bed. I haven’t asked him to do this, and I’m not sure if he’s doing it for convenience sake (perhaps it’s the easiest time to come over after work) or if he comes over that early purposefully to spend time with her.

One night when he got there Little was in a mood. Full on stink-face angry at the world. Actually, mostly just angry at me. Her nap had been cut short that afternoon and she was simply unhappy. This was an opportunity for D to see her at her worst. He didn’t think her worst was so bad. An angry 18 month old can actually be kind of funny at times.

We also have plans for the upcoming 4th of July. D’s family and mine are going to the parade together, then Little and I are heading over to D’s parent’s for a barbeque. I am nervous as to how I will justify these visits to my therapist in our next session. Do I even need to? She will definitely ask me to. I guess D’s involvement with Little could be a slippery slope. It may be a non-issue now, but in a few months or even a few years it could be a serious issue.

I guess I know, logically, that I should just keep these two parts of my life separate for now if for no other reason than for Little’s sake.  Emotionally, though, I don’t want to. I really don’t see it as a problem, yet, and I enjoy seeing Little and D interacting together.

Any thoughts? I could use some objective input. 🙂

June 18, 2012

A stressful date with an excellent resolution.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:15 am by singlyoutrageous

Saturday morning…

Here’s where it starts. It’s not all fun and games anymore. *sigh*

Last night D and I went on another double date with his friends. We went bowling. I expected this post to be about how I am just a god awful bowler, but I sucked it up and had a good time anyways. That’s true for the most part. Three hours and two games later (neither of which I broke 100, but both of which I came in last place!) we called it a night. D suggested going out and grabbing a drink, but his friends were tired, so that was that.

I suggested still grabbing a drink after we left the bowling alley, as there were no pitchers of beer involved in our game. Had there been beer, I may have bowled much better. D suggested going for a drive instead.

We drove, and we talked- not about anything in particular. We ended up back at his place an hour later after he said he wasn’t up for getting a drink. We watched a little TV, and then D asked “Are you tired? I’m kind of tired.”

“Sure” I replied, thinking “tired” was a euphemism for let’s turn the TV off and have sex. It wasn’t a euphemism. It was what it was. D turned the TV off, turned the light off and proceeded to fall asleep.

Well. Ok. I became a little upset. This date night was brought to us by the courtesy of my parents keeping Little overnight. This was my time away to have fun. An opportunity to get away from the monotony of my everyday life. So, if I use my night out to spend time with you, I want to have fun. If I’m sleeping in your bed, I would like to have either gotten drunk or more preferably had sex.

I say this because D and I are newly dating (3 months is still new to me!) and we should be doing these things, not acting like an old married couple. I was married for 7 years, with the same guy for 13 years. I am not using my precious time out to call it an early night and sleep in your bed, not touching you, while sober. That is not what is supposed to happen.

I was so shocked by this quick turn of events that I just laid there for a while. I eventually got up, used the bathroom and came back. D murmured something, and I said “I had way too much diet coke tonight” (which I had, thinking we’d be up later than 1 am) “and my mind is racing- I can’t sleep.”

“I know how that is,” he replied, “do you want some Benadryl?” *sigh*

A few minutes later he is snoring.

I like my bed. I may sleep on a fold out couch, but it is mine and I like it. I don’t especially like sleeping in other people’s beds. There I was, in his bed, uncomfortable, wide awake, and listening to him snoring peacefully. I was miserable, I was mad; I even considered getting up and driving home.

I didn’t though. I just lay there, wide awake contemplating my feelings.

I think that other than the fact that I felt this was a poor use of my precious time out, I also felt unwanted. Neglected. Forgotten. I haven’t felt like that since I was still with my ex. I hated it. I began to wonder if things had been weird between us that night- if D had been acting funny at all. Had anything happened that would make him disregard me so? I couldn’t really pinpoint anything in particular.

I continued to lay there wide awake, resentful that D was sleeping so peacefully and I was not. While waiting for sleep to come I made the resolution, as I had in the past, to concentrate more on myself and not so much on my relationship. When I get so wrapped up in these things, it hurts more when they don’t go the way I want them to. I lose myself, and it’s hard to find that person again. So I resolved that when I would wake up the next day, I would go home and spend some time with Little. Then I would take a nice 3 hour long nap, while she was also napping, to catch up from this horrible insomniatic (not a word, I know, but it should be) night I was experiencing. I would drink a lot of water throughout the day so I would be nice and hydrated for my run that night. And I would not text D (other than to say “home”) unless I heard from him first. Completing my resolutions for the following day made me feel slightly better, and about one hour later I finally fell asleep. I slept fitfully, and left about six hours later, still early in the morning.

I tend to make assumptions about guys that I date. Sure, D’s nice enough- and I can almost picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. But I forget that there are all sorts of other guys out there that would treat me just as well, if not better. Last night made me realize that I do just want to have some fun right now.  I am looking for something serious at the same time, but do not want to hop straight to being married. I just don’t.

Having said all of this, I really do like D. I do want to give him a chance. I just need to figure out how to express my feelings in an effective way. I need to be able to vent my frustrations so that they don’t tear me up inside. I don’t want to just sit back and accept things the way they are if I’m not happy with them. I need to find my voice.

Overreaction? Crazy hormones? Read on and let me know what you think…

Saturday afternoon…

I took my 3 hour nap this afternoon. I woke up to a text message from D thanking me for coming over. Since I had been asleep I hadn’t responded, so he sent me another message an hour after the first. He texted that he had been thinking about last night, and apologized for not being in the mood for sex . He didn’t want me to think he wasn’t attracted to me; he just didn’t have it in him. He went on to say he enjoyed the evening otherwise.

After reading these messages, I replied that I wished he had been in the mood, but that I understood it happens. I also mentioned that I had made a cherry pie that morning, and he was welcome to stop and have a piece after he finished dinner with his parents but before he headed into work for the night. D said he’d be there around 7:30.

Saturday evening…

Little ran a fever tonight, so I did not go out to run. This worked out well as D stopped by right when she was going to sleep. I had been running around all day, no shower, no makeup and was a bit disgraceful in general.  I was still a little hurt, so really wasn’t overly concerned for my appearance at that point. He came in and we chatted for a bit. He gave me the back massage he’d been promising, and then just hugged me tight for a while. “I like holding you” he said. On his way to making up for the last night, I thought to myself.

Then he went on to say, “So can I make up for last night?”

It was an excellent resolution to a very stressful date.

In conclusion…

In hindsight, the first lesson I learned is to speak my feelings. Don’t let them get all pent up and morph into crazy super feelings, if that makes any sense. And lesson number two is to continue to remind myself that I come first. The list of my priorities looks something like this…

1. Little

2. Me

3. My family/friends

4. My relationship

 

…and i shouldn’t forget it.

 

Enough learning, my brain is fried- thanks for reading and good night!

 

 

June 4, 2012

A few awkward moments, but no complaints here!

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:53 am by singlyoutrageous

It’s been far too long. I feel guilty, but I simply have not felt the need to de-stress through writing. This is a good thing for me, not so good for those of you who actually like to read what I have to say. I have a therapy appointment in a few days, so I will certainly be posting a progress report pertaining to that. I am interested to see how my therapist thinks I have been doing, and more interested to see how she thinks D has been doing.

During my last therapy session my therapist had some real concerns about my relationship with D, mostly pertaining to Little. After our conversation about this there have been some real changes. A few weekends ago, D spent the night and was surprisingly at ease when we were awoken at 8 am by my small child. I said to him “It’s great. She’s not even fazed by your presence. This is obviously something she’s used to seeing- strange men in my bed in the morning.”

Later that night, D came to my parent’s home for dinner. Before we got there, D wanted to know what he could do or say that might make them angry. I told him he was quite safe. Really anyone is better than my ex. He would have it easy. He was very well behaved, and didn’t seem too nervous to be around all of us at once. My parents approved, of course.

The third, and final day we saw each other that weekend (I know- it was the holiday weekend) we (Little and myself) had dinner with D, his parents, his sister, her husband and his two nephews. D surprisingly, and with good humor, accepted fistfuls of fettuccine from Little’s tiny fists and even ate it. Even I would be hesitant to do that.  We dropped Little off at my parent’s after dinner and I went to D’s parent’s home. Here I endured some slightly awkward questions pertaining to my divorce from D’s mother when he wasn’t around. I didn’t mind answering her questions; she asked them in a curious and protective way- not a mean natured or probing way. His family is great though, and I was very at ease the entire time we were there. After we left, D and I had an interesting and very fun late night walk at a local park. D then informed me that he was really proud to have introduced me to his parents, that he was proud of me for holding my own, and how lucky he was to be dating me.

Then came the work week, and I didn’t see D for a few days. I went over to his place on Friday night with birthday brownies. We had a great night. The best part of our date is usually the conversations that we have. He’s very easy to talk to.  We went out for a birthday drink, where a slightly awkward moment occurred. While at a bar, a friend of D’s that he hadn’t seen in quite some time came up to say “hello”. D introduced us, and as I shook his hand, D’s friend asks “Oh- are you the weather girl?”  I say “Nope, not me!” with a smile. The friend’s date then arrives, and as introductions are being made, D says to her “I think you introduced me before- when would that have been?” and his friend says, “Nah, we’ve only been dating for a month.” These guys obviously have histories of dating around. Or used to, at least. This encounter didn’t make me mad- I actually thought it was pretty funny.

Back at his place, D made a random observation about how he was comfortable getting in bed when I was already in it. He has had some obvious and self-proclaimed issues with intimacy and his space, so I thought it was sweet. He sent me a really nice text the next morning expressing how he had an awesome time, and was just grateful for everything- that I made an effort to come over to his place (it is an effort, now that childcare is involved), for the brownies, and just a great night in general.

Coming up later this week is a dinner date with one of D’s best friends and his fiancé. This will be the first time I’ve spent time with any of his friends, so I’m slightly nervous, but still very excited.

Things are going really well. I didn’t expect all- or any- of this when we started dating. My expectations for dating in general had taken a hit. But taking things slowly is working. Every day I like D more and more. It’s a new and odd feeling for me to be experiencing right now, but that’s ok- that’s the fun part.

May 22, 2012

Things are going good- slightly awkward, but good.

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:27 pm by singlyoutrageous

Thursday night last week D came over straight from work. We loaded Little up in the car and went to a local park for a walk. I had been well prepared for a smooth departure. All necessary items bagged and ready to go. We just threw the stroller in the car and left. He made a funny comment about how it sure seems like a lot of work to do such a small thing. I thought that remark was amusing as it really went as well as an outing with a 16 month old can go. The walk was really pleasant. D was cute in that he was sort of awkward around Little- he was willing to help with her, but sort of unsure how to do so. 🙂

We went back to my place, and while I put Little to bed, D ran out and got us some dinner. We spent the rest of the evening chatting about things we enjoy and also watched Pet Semetary. I forgot how creepy that movie is. I was very happy with how the night went in general- I feel like D is testing the waters with what a life with us would be like. He’s being cautious, but open and willing as well. If that makes sense.

The next night Little stayed with her grandparents, and I drove over to D’s for a date. I asked him what he thought about coming over to my parents for dinner the next weekend. He agreed. Then he told me his mom wanted me to come to their house the day after, and bring the baby. So next weekend will be interesting. As we had this conversation, his mom texted asking if I wanted to go out to dinner with them the next day. I declined, knowing that I would be feeling pretty rough from the night we were about to have.

We had a few drinks at his place and chatted. Then we took a long walk to a local bar where we had a few more drinks. Maybe a few too many, but I hold my liquor well. While at the bar, I remember D very seriously expressing how he was impressed at how good I am with Little. I’m not sure what he had been expecting our interaction the night before to go, but it must have exceeded his expectations. I replied with the standard, I take it one day at a time, and do what I can. Sometimes that’s all you can do as a single mom- try your best.

Later, as we were walking home from the bar, he asked me about Little’s dad, and what kind of contact we have with him. I told D that I haven’t heard from Little’s dad since the end of February, and am okay with that. He was shocked to learn that he doesn’t even call to check up on her, let alone come and see her. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but sitting here sober I wonder if D was trying to figure out what kind of “ex” dynamic he may have to deal with in the future.

I feel like our previous conversation put things into motion. I think D went from not considering what a future with me and Little would be like, to trying to figure it out pretty quickly. I think we still need to be careful about the pace at which we move forward from here, but I am pleased with the way things are going.  🙂

May 16, 2012

Third, and final part, of an awkward conversation starter, and what to do now?

Posted in dating, Relationships tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 12:01 am by singlyoutrageous

This is the third and final part of my interesting weekend. I wrote this Saturday night…

I just got back from dinner with D’s parents. I was very nervous, but for no reason. They are very nice people. They share D’s sense of humor, and put me at ease immediately. The first thing his mother asked me was “Where’s the baby?” I told her I wasn’t sure if I should have brought her (in reality I had no intention of bringing her because D didn’t ask me to) and she said “That’s okay, next time!” Maybe she isn’t aware that Little has not factored into our dating life yet. Interesting based on the previous night’s conversation. Very interesting.

D and I went for a long drive after dinner. There was no talk of our discussion from last night. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not, but he seems to be going in the direction of pretending it never happened. I’m okay with that- for today at least. We’ll see how things go over the next few weeks as he’s introduced to my actual way of life which now includes my daughter 100% of the time. It will be different, and we’ll just have to wait and see. One odd question that D posed while we were driving was he randomly asked me if I had enjoyed being pregnant- or if I was happy when I was pregnant. My answer was yes- for the first few months. But then my ex started using again and the rest of my pregnancy was stress and anxiety ridden and generally miserable. I am curious as to where that question came from… just curious.

I have also just come to the realization that I did not follow through as I promised my therapist I would. At our last session, she asked what my reaction would be if D wasn’t interested in being a part of mine and Little’s life eventually. I told her that if that were the case, I wouldn’t break up with him, but would tell him I that I feel we should see other people. She was proud of me. I was resolute. Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t entirely resolute when it came down to it. I let him get away with an ambivalent answer. An answer that should have led to- “I still want to see you, but I think I should see other people too.” I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to bring the subject up again so soon. Maybe he will actually think about it, and let me know. I don’t know.

And that is that. It is now late Tuesday night, and I will be seeing D Wednesday evening. Will keep you updated.

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